Try Is Often a Polite No

"I'll try to make it."

You know exactly what that means. So does the person who said it. In the history of birthday parties, no host has ever heard "I'll try to make it" and put out an extra chair.

Somehow, though, when you say it to yourself, it sounds like a plan.

I'll try to get back in shape this year. I'll try to have that conversation with my business partner. I'll try to slow down once this quarter's over.

Try is a useful word. It lets you sound committed while quietly keeping the door open behind you. You get the credit for intending without paying the price of deciding.

Recently, in Vail, about a mile and a half into a nine-mile hike, one of our participants stopped and asked to turn back.

He'd been falling behind. He was slower than the group, and getting harder on himself with every switchback.

His legs weren't the problem. The weight he was carrying was a lot heavier than anything in his pack.

He had come to try. And his try had a condition he'd never said out loud: as long as I'm not the one holding everyone up.

The moment that condition showed up, the exit was right there waiting for him.

So we stopped. We reset. And we talked about what was actually going on: the feeling of holding people up, and the fear of not being able to do it.

There were tears.

Then he hiked the remaining seven and a half miles. At the front of the pack.

Nothing about his legs changed in that conversation. The condition just got said out loud, and a condition you've said out loud is much harder to hide behind.

Every "try" comes with conditions like that. If I have time. If I feel like it. If nothing better comes up. If I don't embarrass myself. You never say them out loud. That's why they work so well.

And they always show up. The meeting runs long. The timing isn't right. You fall behind. You don't have to invent an excuse, because you built the exit before you started.

"I will, No Matter What" is a different sentence entirely. It isn't a louder version of try. It's the sentence you can only say after the decision has already been made. The conditions are gone. When every part of you wants to renegotiate, there's nothing left on the table.

Try has another cost, and it's easy to miss.

Every time you say you'll try and then don't, you teach yourself something: your word is negotiable. Your team learns it too. So does your family. After a while, everyone quietly discounts what you say by about half. Including you.

You don't have to turn everything into No Matter What. Some things deserve a clean no, and honestly, a no is more respectful than a try. The birthday host would genuinely prefer it.

What matters is knowing which one you're saying. "I will." "I won't." Those are both honest. Try is the only answer that lets you avoid choosing.

You can't try to climb the highest mountain in North Africa. You either keep walking or you don't.

Last week I told you I'm going back to Morocco, to the mountain road where this whole idea started. Our 2027 No Matter What Leadership Adventure runs June 9 to 17: from Marrakech, over the Atlas Mountains to the summit of Jebel Toubkal, and into the Sahara. If you've been telling yourself you'll try to do something like this someday, this is a good week to find out whether that's an "I will" or a polite no: nomatterwhatadventures.com/adventures/morocco

Or you could keep trying…

Key idea:

Try is how you keep an exit open while looking like you've committed. Every "try" hides the conditions under which you'll quit, and that's why those conditions show up so reliably. Each unkept try also teaches you, and everyone around you, that your word is negotiable.

Takeaway:

For one week, stop saying "try." Say "I will" or say "no," and notice which one you avoid.

Build your movement:

What condition is hiding inside your "try," and what would happen if you said it out loud?

Key idea:

Takeaway:

Build your movement:

The View Was There the Whole Time